


Where I Am, Where I Want to Be

by Cormag_Ravenstaff



Category: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/F, Healing, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Therapy, flight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-10-23 03:24:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17675537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cormag_Ravenstaff/pseuds/Cormag_Ravenstaff
Summary: A story of healing, for everyone. Eventual FLightTrigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Self-Harm, Non-consensual sexual themes/scenes





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in a modern AU, but still keeping certain elements. Cocoon and Pulse are two adjacent countries.

"How was it today?" Fang asked, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. Soft music coursed through the old speakers, serenading Lightning as she stepped into the car and out of the summer air.

Lightning said nothing, relaxing into the seat instead. Pulling the door shut, she simply sighed.

Fang pressed her foot on the gas pedal, the jalopy slowly picking up speed. She cast a glance at the office where Lightning got her therapy and at the woman herself, dressed far more warmly than needed in a jacket and pants.

"It was hard," Lightning finally said.

The car rolled out of the parking lot as Fang nodded. "I'm sure. Do you wanna talk about it at all?"

"Not now," her pink haired companion said. "I think I just need distraction."

It wasn't Fang's first time picking up Lightning from an appointment, with Serah being as busy as she was with her teaching. The fact that Lightning even admitted it was hard felt like progress to Fang. Months ago when she started, Lightning refused to say anything about it.

"Lebreau had me collect this shipment today of Behemoth Rum," Fang began. "You ever had it?"

"No."

"So back in Pulse there are these huge monsters that we'd hunt. Big as a semi, teeth as big as this car, just outright monsters. So this rum is apparently made from parts of the Behemoth. I've got no fucking clue how, but it's  _super_ expensive to make as a result."

"Does it taste good?" Lightning was looking out the window as they drove past suburbia on their way to Bodhum.

"Kinda? It's like an acquired taste. But damn does it get you drunk fast." Fang laughed. "I had two shots of it and was gone, one time.

"But anyway, so this stuff is super expensive. Lebreau just wasn't shutting up about being careful with it, making sure I didn't break any of the bottles. And you know me, I'm like, ''Breau, fuck off,' though I didn't say that exactly, I just kinda ran out the door in fear."

Lightning chuckled. It was short and faint, but Fang's smile grew when she caught it.

She continued with enthusiasm. "So I got to the vendor and they begin loading this crate of rum bottles into my car. Only one of the fuckers tripped as he was carrying it."

"Did he drop it?" Lightning asked.

"You bet your cute ass he did, all eighteen bottles went tumbling down and smashed into the pavement. It was the most expensive puddle of water I had ever seen." Fang chuckled. "The boss man starts yelling at this guy for dropping it. I felt a little bad, especially since it was about to get worse."

"Worse?"

"I called 'Breau. I tell her what happened and she just says, 'I'll be there in five minutes.'"

"How long of a drive is it?"

"Fifteen minutes."

"Wow. She was angry?"

Fang laughed as she pulled the car onto the highway, the vehicle sputtering as it accelerated to a higher speed. "Sunshine, I have never seen Lebreau so angry in my life. She'd apparently gotten all the rum because there was a big fancy party that's gonna happen at the bar. The drink was specifically requested and whoever the client is wanted to pay a lot for it.

"Lebreau gets down there, five minutes, true to her word. And she just starts screaming at these guys. Remind me never to actually piss her off, by the way. But she got them to promise they'd have another batch for her tomorrow at no additional cost."

"Eventful day," Lightning remarked.

"That's one way to put it," Fang said. "So I have that to look forward to tomorrow…"

Fang continued on, filling the silence while Lightning interjected with questions or reactions periodically. She gradually grew more relaxed listening to Fang's voice.

Fang's voice trailed off as she made a turn onto the road to Bodhum. Lightning spoke up in the silence. "I had a really bad flashback last night."

"I thought those had stopped?"

Lightning nodded. "They had."

Silence reigned for a few moments. Then Fang said, "What changed?"

"She tried to call me. I didn't answer." Lightning's hand clenched on her lap. Fang only saw it because she was looking for it.

"Jihl?" Fang asked, keeping seething hatred out of her voice.

Lightning said nothing, only nodded. Bile crept into Fang's throat as she thought about Jihl Nabaat, the woman who had at one point made Lightning smile and laugh.

Now, Lightning's unclenched hand scratched at her arm. Fang wasn't an idiot, she knew why Lightning was wearing long sleeves in the summer. She'd seen the freshly healed scars on days Lightning felt good enough to show them. Bandages peeked out from under the sleeves, showing themselves as Lightning scratched.

Fang's teeth were clenched as she thought of Jihl Nabaat, the  _bitch_ who had done this to her friend, to the woman she was in love with. Serah had told her, months ago, about Lightning's suicide attempt that prompted the therapy in the first place.

Fang wanted to find Jihl and beat the shit out of her.

But she voiced none of these thoughts. "Did your therapist have anything to say about it?" Fang finally said.

"Rygdea was proud of me that I didn't answer her," Lightning said. Her voice was quiet, verging on uncertain. "He wasn't proud that I had hurt myself again, especially since I had been doing so well since..." Her clenched fist began to tremble.

The car rolled into the Farron sisters' driveway. Serah was still at work, as was her husband, Snow. Fang killed the engine and looked over at her best friend. "Light…"

"Can we change the subject?" Lightning asked, her voice shuddering and her eyes looking everywhere away from Fang.

Fang bit her lip. She didn't want to leave her alone. "Have you got anywhere else to be today?"

"No."

"Lebreau wants me to come back and do some maintenance before the night crowd comes into the bar. Wanna keep me company?" Fang asked. She didn't want to leave Lightning alone.

Her reply came after some moments of thought. "Sure."

"Do me a favor, text your sister so she knows that I'm not a negligent friend and that I did actually pick you up." Fang chuckled a bit, and her expression curved back into a smile once she saw a hint of a grin on Lightning's face.

She turned the key and the car sputtered to life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These types of issues are all handled differently by different people. Everyone heals in their own way. For this story, I'm pulling from my experience with therapy, assault, self-harm and other topics because that is what I know and understand.
> 
> The trigger warnings in the summary apply for the rest of this story, and I will add others as we go if needed. If you feel I neglect giving trigger warnings at any point, PLEASE tell me. I have plenty of experience with them not being provided and know what that can do.

 

When the car finally shut off, Lightning had quiet. Fang fumbled about the interior, grabbing her wallet and keys. She turned to Lightning, "Ready?"

She nodded and the two women stepped out of the car.

Downtown Bodhum was hardly a metropolis. It was quaint, not too small, but still held style. Lebreau's bar was no different. The pair walked around from the back towards the front of the building. It was still the afternoon, so the bright neon sign wasn't as vibrant yet. Lightning did a double take. The word 'Lebreau's' looked like it was off completely.

"One of the things I've been tasked with fixing," Fang remarked, seeing her look. "First I gotta talk to 'Breau, c'mon."

The duo walked into the bar. Three patrons sat individually across the room. They were all quiet, sipping their drinks in peace. The only sound in the room was a quiet hum coming from Lebreau as she cleaned the bar with a wet rag.

Lightning had always liked the place. She wasn't one for drinking often, but Lebreau's wasn't some dingy, dirty establishment. It was clean and spacious, the tables not too close together and a lack of grime throughout the room.

"Hey, Fang," Lebreau said, scarcely looking up. "Oh, hey, Lightning. To what do I owe the pleasure?" The woman set the rag down and wiped her hands on her pants.

"She's just here to keep me company while I do that maintenance. Still want me to do the sign first?" Fang asked, walking around the bar and grabbing a hefty red toolbox.

Lebreau nodded. "That'd be best, I want that working by tonight. I left the ladder around the side for you. After that you can look at the lights in the back."

"Yes, ma'am!" Fang saluted.

"Light, you make sure she's productive." Lebreau winked at Lightning.

Lightning rolled her eyes and spoke softly, "I don't think anyone can keep her in check."

Lebreau laughed while Fang mocked a horrified look. Lebreau picked the rag back up while Fang gestured for Lightning to follow her.

Outside, Lightning sat down against the building wall. Fang went to grab the ladder.

" _What did you feel when you cut yourself?"_ Rygdea's voice echoed in her mind. She'd always liked how his voice was soft during their sessions. It was soothing.

" _That I deserved it."_  Her response had made him frown.

"Mind holding the ladder while I go up?" Fang said, bringing Lightning back to the present.

"Sure," Lightning said. She waited for Fang to go up, then grabbed each side of the ladder and held it steady. Fang climbed up with a few tools in her hands.

Lightning looked up and watched her.  _She has a nice ass,_ Lightning thought idly.

She blinked, and saw Jihl on that ladder instead of Fang. Her head turned down towards Lightning, lips curling into that possessive smirk she wore when looking at her.

"Light?" Fang said.

Lightning's hand began to tremble. She tapped a finger against the ladder rapidly, a small outlet for the shaking. Jihl looked at her just like that since the moment they met to the last time they had seen each other.

"Sunshine?"

" _What are you doing, staring at my ass like that?"_ Jihl purred. " _Claire, come show me how much you like it."_

"Lightning!" Fang nearly shouted.

Lightning's hand clenched the ladder and she screwed her eyes shut. "Yes?" she whispered.

Footsteps descended down the ladder. Lightning felt skin brush against hers leaving goosebumps in its wake. She shuddered, trying to step away.

Hands clasped firmly on her shoulders, holding her in place, and Lightning opened her eyes. But it wasn't Jihl Nabaat's eyes piercing into her, it was Fang's warm eyes filled with concern.

"Light," Fang said, unsure of the very words she was speaking, "are you okay?"

"Yes," Lightning said too quickly. She stood absolutely still, tremors running through her hands all that disrupted it.

"Light, are you sure?" Fang asked, voice coated in concern.

"Please let go of me," Lightning begged, her hands beginning to shake uncontrollably.

Fang's hands left her shoulders and Lightning ran inside Lebreau's. The woman herself looked up and called out Lightning's name, but went ignored.

She burst into the bathroom and bolted the door behind her. For a moment, she breathed. Her trembling hands didn't cease. Lightning clenched them until her finger nails dug into her skin.

"Lightning?" Fang's muffled voice came through the door.

" _Lightning?"_  taunted the memory of Jihl.

The nob jiggled, but the locked door gave no entry. Fang pounded her fist on it.

She turned to the white sink and turned the water on hot. Her hands gripped each side of the sink hard as steam began to rise from the sink.

Lightning plunged her hands into the scalding water.

It burned. It burned so  _fucking_  much.

She cried out, but didn't withdraw her hands. Lightning saw the skin turning red and she grit her teeth in pain.

A soft pounding broke through her state. She looked at the door and heard the pounding louder. Fang.

Her hands felt numb. She reached and shut the sink off. The trembling subsided and she reached for the door. She twisted the knob so it unlocked, but didn't open.

The door slowly pushed open, a worried Fang appearing in the gap. "Light…?"

"Can you just…take me home?" Lightning asked, her voice soft. She rubbed her red hands, flinching in pain.

"Yeah," Fang said. She looked like she wanted to say more, but couldn't find the words.

Lightning didn't care. She just wanted to be home.

* * *

When Snow stepped out of the shower, he frowned upon seeing Lightning's bedroom door closed. It hadn't been like that when he got into the bathroom.

The big man tossed a shirt on and brushed his still damp hair out of his eyes before knocking on the door lightly. "Sis?"

"Yeah?" croaked Lightning's voice.

"Can I come in?"

She said nothing. Snow slowly eased the door open, offering her time to say no. When she didn't say anything, he stepped in.

His sister was curled into a ball beneath the covers on her bed. Her hair was ragged, a mess cascading across pillows. Her eyes were closed, but Snow didn't fool himself into thinking she didn't know exactly where he was standing. She had been a soldier and damn good at it.

"Rough day?" he asked. He sat down on the floor, leaning against the bed, back to Lighting.

"I don't want to talk about it." Her response was blunt, as they usually were with him.

He twisted his wedding ring idly around his finger, a habit he'd picked up since marrying Serah. "You sure? I've always found that having someone to listen can help."

Snow could feel her eyes piercing holes into the back of his head. "What would you know about it?"

"Have I ever told you about my dad?" he asked instead of answering.

Lightning was silent. Snow continued.

"I was an orphan, sure, but I remember having a dad." Snow kept twisting the ring, giving his hands something to do. "He was as big as me, I think. I was just a kid though, so everyone seemed big. But that's all I remember of him," he lied, his hands briefly pausing with the ring.

"Gadot, Lebreau, Yuj, Maqui…none of them could remember their parents. They said I was lucky, but I always thought they were the lucky ones. I had a father I could remember and hate for leaving me. That meant I had of stuff on my mind. Stuff that I couldn't keep bottled up."

Snow turned his head so Lightning was in the corner of his eye. "I know you still deep down don't think I'm good enough for Serah. You're probably right, though I don't think anyone is good enough for someone perfect like her. What I'm trying to say is that I'm willing to listen if you want to talk. I'm not Rygdea, but I can listen."

He stood up and walked to the door. Snow looked back over his shoulder and saw his sister not looking at him. She looked in thought.

"I'll be downstairs if you change your mind," Snow said.

He opened the door and exited the room, heading downstairs. He still had some paperwork to finish up from his morning training recruits with the Guardian Corps.

Snatching a folder from his bag, he set it on the table. He sighed, sitting down and clicking his pen. He loved his job, but the paperwork was certainly not the highlight of his day.

A footstep caught his attention. He looked to his left, seeing Lightning standing at the base of the stairs, wrapped in a blanket. She hesitated, looking unsure.

Snow smiled, and gestured to the seat across from him at the table.

Lightning moved forward and took it.


	3. Chapter 3

Serah eased open the door and closed it with a sigh. She loved her job, she really did, but managing twenty children for seven hours was exhausting, even on good days. Such was the life of a teacher, though.

It was as though her feet gasped in relief once she pried her shoes off them. She needed hot chocolate, a comfy chair and maybe a back massage from her husband if he was willing. Who was she kidding, he always was.

As she moved to leave the foyer, Serah heard the voices. Her sister and Snow. They were talking, not fighting, just speaking softly.

"…hands shake and then the rest of me does. And even wrapped up in blankets I feel cold," Claire said. Serah couldn't remember a time that she had heard her sister speaking like this. Certainly not in the past decade.

"Panic attacks can be like that," Snow said. "Have you found something that works to calm you down?"

Claire was silent for a while. "I guess being around people. Rygdea also says that I should write down what I'm feeling and rip it up once I'm done."

"Have you tried it?"

"No."

"Maybe you should?" Snow suggested. "It can't hurt."

Serah bit her lip. Should she interrupt them? Had something happened with her sister? Today was one of her therapy days. Usually Claire felt good on those days and Serah didn't feel as bad working into the evening.

"Next time," Claire answered.

"What about being around people? I would have thought you'd have stayed with Fang. Especially since…" Snow seemed to cut himself off, an uncertain lilt ending his tone.

"Since what?" Even speaking vulnerably, her tone could carry an edge.

"Well…uh…" Snow floundered, trying to climb out of the hole he dug. He took a breath and said, "Since you love her."

There was quiet, even from Serah. Snow thought Claire was in love with Fang? The two were friends at best. Serah always saw them bickering over petty matters. Had they ever even smiled at each other the few times she saw them together?

"I see it written all over your face," Snow continued, not cutting his losses like Serah would have advised. "You smile when you hear her name. You look at her like she's the only person in the world. You remind me of me when I fell in love with Serah."

There was silence again. Serah heard her sister's soft intake of breath.

"Yeah, I think you're right."

_WHAT?_

"You hadn't realized it?" Snow asked, a noticeable lack of surprise in his voice.

Why hadn't he told her anything? Why hadn't he come up to her and said, 'You know, Serah, I think your sister is into Fang.' That was all he had to say!

 _But you wouldn't have believed him,_  her mind chided.

"I've always thought she was attractive. I'm dense, not blind." Snow chuckled at her response. "I like being around her and I trust her more than anyone…"

"But?" Snow prodded.

"Why would she want me?" Claire asked. "I'm damaged goods."

When had her sister become like this?

It felt like she didn't know Claire at all.

Why had she gone to Snow and not her own sister?

Snow paused. "Sis, how can you know what Fang wants?"

"What?" Claire's voice sounded shaky. Was she crying?

"Fang spends so much time with you. And maybe you can dismiss that as just friendship, but I think there's more there. She wants to be with you, she wants to help you. You deserve someone as committed and loving as she would be," Snow said. "Are you afraid?"

"Yes." Claire was crying. "I hate that I look at Fang and see Jihl sometimes."

A chair scraped against the floor. Serah couldn't see what happened, but she heard Claire's crying muffle.

"Let it out," Snow said softly.

Serah turned heel and all but ran out the door. She knew her sister was in pain. She knew she struggled.

She thought she had understood that.

* * *

"I thought I heard you come home," Snow said, closing the door behind him.

Serah sat on the steps leading up to their front door. She'd been out there for an hour.

"How is she?" Serah asked, arms wrapped around her legs and pulling them close to her chest. The sun was setting and the air was getting cooler.

Snow sat down next to her, wrapping one of his big arms around her. Like flipping a switch, she felt warmer.

"She's sleeping," he said. Snow started rubbing her shoulder idly. "I think she's feeling better now."

"I had no idea," Serah said, grasping at the new thoughts in her head and choosing a safer direction instead. "I didn't know she loved Fang." She leaned into Snow more.

Snow's hand stopped for a moment. Serah turned to look at him and saw indecision on his face. "Whatever it is you're thinking, say it."

"Serah…You're not around much. You barely see them together. You're always working," Snow said. He bit his lip.

Serah froze. "I have to, especially with Claire not working right now," she defended.

"I know, honey," Snow said. He pulled her closer and hugged her. "I think Lightning just feels alone in this. I mean, she came to me of all people."

Serah chuckled in spite of the situation. "Do you think she's getting better?"

"I think she's got a ways to go. But the fact that she talked to me about this stuff is progress," Snow said. "What she needs is people to listen to her or else she'll bottle it all up."

"What do you think she'll do about Fang?"

"I told her to talk to Rygdea about it. But I'm gonna go talk to Fang tomorrow and just let her know that she needs to be patient with Light."

Serah cocked her head, bumping to Snow's arm. "What do you mean?"

Snow chuckled. "Fang's come to me about how she's in love with Light and doesn't know what to do. I figure now at least I can give her a bit of advice."

"When did you become the person everyone comes to talk to?" Serah asked.

"Hey! I resent that!" Snow joked. "I'll have you know I'm an insightful person at times."

"Well, I know that, I just didn't know others had picked up on it." Serah laughed.

The two held each other tight and watched the remainder of the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so now we've seen all the threads of conflict in the story. Each character has a hurdle to overcome. We'll just have to see how they handle it. Thanks for reading, and as always, let me know what you think in a comment!


	4. Chapter 4

"You didn't have to do that," Fang said as Snow slid a cup of coffee across the table as she sat down. The coffee shop was still pretty quiet in the morning, the traffic of the day still waking up.

"Don't worry about it. I got you non-caffeinated so you can still sleep." Snow smiled.

Snow didn't envy the bags under Fang's eyes. She'd had the night shift and probably wanted to go home and sleep.

"That's the plan after this." Fang slouched in her chair, giving her coffee time to cool. "You said you had something to tell me?"

"Yeah," Snow said through a sip of his coffee, buying him time to think. He didn't want to betray what Lightning had said to him, but he knew Fang deserved some answers. "I heard Lightning had a tough time yesterday."

Fang's expression drooped. "Yeah, I've never seen her like that. She's been sad after therapy when I pick her up, but never like that."

Snow's eyes shifted around the shop. No one had tables near them. Perfect. "She talked to me about it. Something gave her a panic attack."

"Something?" Fang asked.

The big man shook his head. "That's her story to tell. I think she needs to be the one to tell people these things. It's good to say it aloud."

She leaned forward in the chair, taking a long sip from her coffee. "Sure, but I'm guessing I shouldn't pry."

Snow nodded. "She just needs support. Sometimes that's a shoulder to cry on, sometimes that's someone to hold her."

"I just want to help Light," Fang said, running a hand through her hair. "Do you know how painful it is to see someone you love struggling?"

"Yes," Snow simply said.

"Like, I just want to wave a magic wand and make her feel better." Fang waved a hand theatrically.

Snow chuckled. "If only that would work." He paused for a moment, beginning to twist the ring on his finger. "Everyone handles these things differently. What has worked for me might not work for her. She told me that being around people helps her."

Fang nodded quickly. "I can do that. Anything else she said?"

Snow shook his head. "Not really. Just ask her in the moment what you can do. Maybe just talking about something else would help. It's pretty in the moment with these things."

"You're a lot more knowledgeable with this stuff than I thought you'd be," Fang remarked. "Sorry if it's prying, but have you done this before?"

Snow laughed. "No, I've just done my research," he lied. "She's my sister and I care about her. If you have questions, just ask me. I might have an answer."

Fang tipped her coffee back and down the rest of it. "Etro, that burns. Anything else you wanted to say? I'm fading fast here and I still gotta drive."

"One thing, actually. I know you're in love with her, and I know you'd never do anything to hurt her, but…just don't rush her on anything. She cares about you a lot and if she feels like you're anything like that  _bitch_ ," Snow's mouth soured at the thought of Jihl, "it'll crush her."

"I never would," Fang said, looking offended.

Snow nodded. "I know, Fang, I just wanted to reiterate it. She's struggling and I worry about her. I think the best thing for her is to let her go at her own pace."

Fang's face slowly went from peeved to understanding. "We all worry about her, Snow. I want to help in any way that I can."

"Good," Snow said, "I just wanted to make sure you heard all this from me in person. I'll let you go rest up. You look like you need it."

Fang laughed. "Oh honey, you wouldn't believe the night I had. I'll text you about it after I sleep. There was a guy who tried to bring his wolf cub into Lebreau's."

"He did what?"

She was already standing up, a smirk adorning her face. "I'll tell you about it later. I need to go collapse."

* * *

Lightning blinked open bleary eyes as she looked at her clock. She'd slept nearly twelve hours. The sun hadn't even set when she fell asleep and now it had just peeked over the horizon.

She hadn't had a nightmare.

It took a moment for it to occur to her. Usually she woke up scared or angry or something. Now she just felt calm, like she'd finally gotten a full night's sleep.

Lightning listened to the house. It was quiet, Snow and Serah no doubt already off to work for the day. She was alone.

Fang had worked a night shift so she'd be asleep. Lightning could bother her to do something later. Or maybe she wouldn't. Fang would have questions about yesterday.

Maybe she'd still feel good enough later to answer them. She hoped she would. Seeing Fang usually was the best part of a day.

With energy she hadn't felt in a long time, Lightning went about getting ready for the day. Not that she had anywhere to go or do, but it felt good to shower and pretend like she had people to see, places to be.

When she finally made it downstairs, dressed in little more than a t-shirt and shorts, the house was indeed empty.

It was peaceful, hearing the muffled cry of birds through the windows. Lightning usually wasn't awake this early in the morning, she didn't get to enjoy the day beginning.

Lightning went about cleaning the house, working out with Snow's weights and just about anything else she found that she could do around the house to keep her busy.

And the whole time, one person was on her mind: Fang.

It was finally around noon that her resolve crumbled and she picked up her phone and fired off a text to the Pulsian.

_L: Wanna do something today?_

She got a reply a couple minutes later.

_F: You read my mind. Anything in particular you want to do?_

Lightning looked out the window. The sun, shining from its apex, brought out the vibrant greens and browns of nature. The neighborhood was quiet, most people at work and kids not yet home from school.

_L: Go for a run with me?_

_F: Sure. Give me 30min_

Lightning set down the phone and smiled.


	5. Chapter 5

Lightning couldn't remember the last time she went for a run. Snow's equipment was convenient and didn't require her to brave the world. More days than not, Lightning preferred to stay inside.

But today she felt better. Not great, but the memories had dialed back and boiled below the surface. They waited, no doubt, to strike.

Her mind didn't focus on that. It had Fang to think about.

Lightning changed into a tank top and shorts and had just begun to stretch when a knock struck the door.  _Fang._

The pink haired woman tried not to sprint to the door and failed. Her hand rested on the door handle and she took a deep breath.

She opened the door and revealed Fang dressed in a sports bra and shorts. Lightning's eyes immediately glanced at her gorgeous abs before flinging back up to her eyes hoping she hadn't been caught.

Fang's smirk said she had. "Hey, stranger, long time no see."

"Hey, Fang, ready to go?" she asked.

She nodded. The two quick filled their bottles of water and left the Farron house.

The heat of the day had set in, but Lightning didn't mind. She couldn't remember the last time she went running. Hell, she barely left the house.

The sun felt good. In hindsight, she should have used sunscreen, but Lightning couldn't bring herself to care. The heat burning her skin was invigorating.

They'd been going for fifteen minutes before Fang's lightly panting voice broke her from her thoughts, "Race?" A competitive glint shone in her eye.

"To where?" she breathed. They were in a park near her house. There was a wide open field that was populated by children playing games during the summer. The day was young enough that they were still all in school, leaving the park vacant.

Fang pointed at a tree that stood in solidarity from the rest. "See who makes it there first?"

Lightning grinned. "You're on."

"My count? Three…two…one… _go._ "

Lightning's feet pounded the grass with ferocity, leaving footprints in the meadow. The breeze glided over her skin, fervent in motion as she barreled through. Her breath came evenly as the pulsing of her heart resounded through her ears. She looked up to see the tree closing in on her vision and Fang standing next to it.

_What?_

Lightning slowed to a stop, her feet slowing down to a trot as she gasped for air.

"You lose, slowpoke," Fang laughed. Her laughter withered as she looked at Lightning. "Sunshine, what's wrong?" Fang began to close the distance between them.

"I'm slow," was all Lightning said, staring past Fang and looking at the tree. Fang was fast, she always had been. But Lightning had been just as quick, their races ending in ties more often than not.

"Honey, you're not slow," Fang said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Maybe I've just gotten faster."

They both knew that was a lie.

"Can we go home now?" Lightning asked, still staring at the tree. She was still breathing heavily. A little sprint like that had never winded her when she was with the GC.

She was out of shape.

"Sure thing, Light." Fang steered her around, still keeping her arm around Lightning's shoulder. She didn't mind, it felt good. It was comforting.

They walked in silence for a time as they retraced their steps. Lightning felt sore. Weak. She couldn't remember a time that she was so out of shape. Sure, she hadn't been running lately, but it hadn't been that long, had it?

Lightning looked down at the scabs on her arm. She'd been ignoring them, but they felt hot with her blood pumping post-run.

She looked past them, at the layer of scars beneath them. Many of the lines were thin, superficial. Several marks were still red though, as angry as she'd been the day she inflicted them.

They mocked her, a reminder of how the mighty had fallen. How the once incredible Lightning Farron had been reduced to a husk of a person who needed to hurt herself to forget about memories.

Against better judgement, Lightning turned her arm and stared at the  _deep_ scars on the inside of her wrist. Fear prickled at her neck and the arm around her didn't feel as much of a comfort any more.

Fang broke the silence. "Do you want to do this more often?"

"Huh?" Lightning snapped back into focus.

"Going for a run. Not racing or anything like that, just running outside. I've missed the warmer weather."

Lightning breathed, clenching her hand into a fist. Her hand still trembled. The white scars stood stark as blood rushed to her hand.

That was in the past. She needed to keep it there.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I had a large assignment for one of my classes that had me writing about my insomnia and how it effects my mental health. It really drained me but now I'm feeling creative enough for this again.


	6. Chapter 6

Days later found her in the familiar seat in Rygdea's office. It was a small room, their chairs separated by a handful of feet. The walls were a muted brown complimented by several plants that littered the room. The sun's early rays shone through the leaves, leaving an emerald color beneath the plants that Lightning was fond of.

A small speaker behind her played the sound of water rushing through a stream. It was quiet, but soothing. It was easy to relax in Rygdea's office.

He cleared his throat softly, "Tell me about this race with Fang."

Lightning paused, then said, "Usually we're evenly matched, but she beat me cleanly. It wasn't even close."

Rygdea sat silent, making notes on his clipboard. He glanced at her and nodded.

She continued. "I've always been fast. I haven't done any running since…" Her voice drifted off as she scratched the inside of her wrist. Words choked up in her throat.

"And upon realizing you weren't as fast, how did you react?" Rygdea asked.

"I don't know," Lightning said, slumping back into her chair further. "I mean, I'm Lightning. I've always been fast. I was just angry that I wasn't anymore."

"You've been through so much, Lightning," Rygdea said, offering a kind smile. "Not to mention that you've been addressing your mental health. It's important to handle things one step at a time. But I wonder if exercising more would help, as it seems to be tied to your self-worth."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Rygdea thought for a moment. "Would you say you were happier with yourself and your body back when you were in the GC?"

"Yes." Her reply was instant.

Rygdea nodded. "Then I think that's indicative of a way we can fight your self-hate."

* * *

"Rygdea says I should start running more." Lightning climbed into Fang's piece-of-shit car. She felt good, better than she had in a while.

Fang glanced at her before taking the car out of park. "This about last week?"

"Yeah. Do you wanna do more runs like that?"

The tan woman nodded with a grin. "Hell yeah, Light. If I'm not working, I'm there."

Lightning smiled softly and leaned back into the seat, letting the sound of Fang humming to the radio lull her eyes closed, appearing asleep.

Fang's hum turned into soft singing, an octave higher than Lightning would have expected. She didn't really know the words to the song, so Fang's words jumbled and stumbled over beats.

In that moment, Lightning had never wanted to kiss Fang more.

Her hand trembled, but she clenched it into a fist. A flashback wouldn't take this moment away from her.

When she knew Fang wasn't looking, Lightning cracked an eye open and watched the Pulsian. Her lips barely moved and Lightning didn't know if Fang even realized she was singing.

The singer's voice fell out in favor of an instrumental portion of the song. Fang's fingers drummed along as she held the wheel with one hand, the other resting between the two women.

Lightning reached for Fang's hand and grabbed it. The car swerved as Fang jolted and she looked at Lightning, mouth open to say something she couldn't put into words.

"You should sing more often," Lightning said.

Fang said nothing, still not watching the road and mouth agape.

Feeling awkward, Lightning pulled her hand back. As she did, Fang snatched it back. Her eyes were now focused on the road, face red.

"Maybe I'll sing if you catch me in the mood again," Fang said, looking everywhere except Lightning.

Lightning said nothing. Fang's hand was warm. It felt good.

It felt safe.

* * *

Snow reached out to the ringing phone just as it went to voicemail. He'd been working out, and the phone was all the way in the kitchen. Sarah would have chided him, something about his long legs not being enough to get him across their home in enough time.

A familiar voice crackled over the phone. The voicemail.

" _Claire, I want to talk."_

Jihl's voice.


	7. Chapter 7

Snow couldn't stop pacing in the kitchen. He was the only one home, Sarah at work and Lightning with Fang. It was fortunate that they weren't there, all it would have taken was one look to see how distressed he was.

Did he tell Lightning?

Did he tell Lightning that the person who ruined her life wanted to talk?

Her message didn't say much more. She'd asked to talk and said to call her back. Snow had immediately deleted the message.

He hoped Lightning had blocked the number in her phone so Jihl couldn't contact her.

Snow didn't want to make Lightning paranoid, but he didn't want her to be unprepared if Jihl tried something.

The big man slumped into one of the chairs in the kitchen, legs needing a break. He'd never really liked Jihl. She was attractive, for sure, no man could deny that. But there was a coldness to her, something simmering under a façade.

When Lightning had told him and Serah that she was bringing home someone she'd started dating, he'd been excited.

" _I met someone."_

" _Oh my gosh, Claire, tell me about him!"_

_Lightning was silent. "Her name is Jihl."_

_Serah and Snow were silent._

" _Tell us about her. Where did you meet?" Snow asked._

He never had known Lightning was gay. Or bi. Or neither. She'd never put a label on it, he'd never asked her to. Serah had been a little bit of a different story.

Snow only remembered Lightning's smile from that day. That smile lit up the whole room, filled with emotion that Snow honestly didn't know she had the capacity for. She talked about Jihl for nearly ten minutes straight before realizing that she was rambling. If only he had a picture of the moment she caught herself, she'd turned  _so_ red.

_Snow and Serah had just finished setting the table as the front door opened. He heard laughter, the kind he hadn't heard from Lightning in a long time._

_The new couple stepped into the room. Serah immediately dashed forward and began to introduce herself. Snow waited, not wanting to scare off Lightning's girlfriend with his stature._

_The two held hands clumsily. They weren't interlocked tightly, like hesitation had wormed its way between. Clearly, it was a new relationship. Snow could remember being like that with Serah._

_The woman in question beckoned him over and he began to introduce himself, making light jokes that weren't funny that Jihl was polite enough to laugh at._

_They talked there for a while, Snow letting Serah grill the new couple. She'd been hesitant, or maybe unsure, about Lightning dating a woman. But Snow could see that all wash away as soon as she'd seen the smile on Lightning's face. Serah loved her sister and wanted to see her happy, that was an undeniable fact._

_He spoke up every so often, but he mainly watched Jihl. She was a smooth talker, clever and very intelligent. She was the type of woman that men talked about with a reverence, the type so out of their league they didn't even try to talk to._

_All Snow saw was how her smile never seemed to meet her eyes._

He'd let that go, at the time. The fact that Lightning was happy meant so much more than Jihl seeming off-putting to him. Snow just wanted his sister to smile. Jihl made her happy, so that was that.

Not that Fang had seen it that way.

" _You've had too much," Snow said, grabbing Fang's wrist._

_It was a miracle that Fang could even still string together coherent sentences. "No," she said, spitting the word out like it had weight._

_Admittedly they were short sentences. "Fang, you need to talk to her. She misses you."_

_She tried to fight him, trying to bring the glass up to her mouth again. The bar was empty, Lebreau letting them stay after closing with the promise that Snow would clean up and lock the door_

" _Fang." Snow plucked the glass out of her hand._

_The Pulsian groaned and finally relented. "I don't like her."_

" _Lightning?"_

" _The other one. The bitch."_

" _Why? And don't call her that."_

" _Why not?" Fang's voice rose in volume. "That's what she is!"_

_Snow said nothing and Fang slumped forward on the bar. Her words came out in a murmur, in a slur. "I miss Lightning and me doing stuff. I miss Lightning." She repeated the last phrase several times, growing quieter and quieter._

He'd figured it out as he lay in bed that night, after taking her home. Snow certainly didn't know what to do with that fact and Fang refused to bring it up, going so far as to avoid Lightning.

All that had done was push Lightning closer to Jihl. Mistakes were easy to see in retrospect. He knew Fang had realized that.

Snow grabbed his phone, firing off identical texts to Fang and Serah.

_S: I need to talk to you about Lightning_

They at least needed to know about Jihl. Maybe they had answers he couldn't see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all the kind feedback! It makes me happy that people are enjoying this story.
> 
> With the nature of how flashbacks are going to play out, I have a suspicion that these future chapters are now going to get in a territory that's darker than what we've been seeing, fair warning. As well, I'm certain that from here on out that these chapters will be harder for me to write. I just ask that you be patient with me, because this is a very hard topic for me to go into. There may be scenes in the future that don't have the level of detail you might expect and that's just me needing to distance myself some for my own sake. I hope you all understand :)


	8. Chapter 8

Fang had been acting weird around her.

Maybe weird wasn't the right word. Jumpy. Antsy. On edge. Not at ease.

Lightning and she walked down downtown Bodhum. Downtown was hardly adequate to describe the area. To Lightning, downtown was a huge metropolis with streets crisscrossing like a checkerboard. Bodhum was more…quaint. There were a couple big buildings that lined the singular street, but said street only stretched for a mile. A coffee shop might be next to an insurance firm. There was no rhyme or reason as to where things were in the city, just where ever they fit.

Lightning liked that about the quiet city. There was some noise to give color, but not enough to distract.

But something was distracting Fang, because she kept looking over her shoulder. It only happened when she thought Lightning wasn't looking.

Except Lightning was always looking, she never could take her eyes off Fang and after the car ride the two had shared yesterday, that was doubly true.

"Everything okay?" Lightning asked softly when Fang looked again.

Fang flinched. "Uh, yeah, everything's cool."

"Okay." Did she not want to be here? Had she misinterpreted what had happened in the car? Was there a way to see that in a different light?

Maybe she had.

Lightning shoved her hands into her pockets and stared at the ground as they walked on. She only looked at Fang out of the corner of her eyes. Maybe Fang would notice and wrap an arm around her or do something to give her a clue. Or at least something to calm her down.

Fang didn't. She looked agitated.

Whatever smile Lightning had been wearing shrunk into nonexistence.

* * *

"Did you tell Fang?" Serah asked quietly. She tapped her fingers nervously on the kitchen table.

"This morning," Snow replied. He rubbed his temple. "I don't really know what to do. Should we tell Lightning?"

"I think we have to." Serah played with her hair. She always did that when she was thinking.

Snow nodded. He probably would have reached the same conclusion after some time. "The question is how do we tell her?"

"Be direct? I think she'd appreciate that the most." Serah shrugged. "You'd know better than I do, she talks to you more than she does to me anymore."

He frowned. "That's just because you're never around. And yes," he said, cutting her off before she could speak, "I know that's because you're supporting her financially at the moment." He sighed. "She just needs a sister. I'm just an in-law to her."

Serah reached out and grabbed Snow's hand. "You know she doesn't think that. She hasn't thought that since…" Her words trailed off, but Snow knew what she meant. Lightning's suicide attempt. Serah shook herself from her reverie. "You took care of her. You didn't judge her. I think that meant a lot to her."

He offered a small smile and squeezed her hand lightly. "Thanks, Serah."

* * *

After she dropped Lightning off, Fang sat in the driveway for a while. Her car sputtered, ready to go, but her foot didn't touch the gas.

She'd seen Jihl. The fucking bitch showed up the day Snow had told her. Fang had sworn she was following them.

Why didn't she just stay gone?

If she came close to Lightning…

Fang looked down at the steering wheel to see her hands clenched tight like a vice grip. She dealt with plenty of rowdy customers at Lebreau's, but this felt different. If Jihl tried anything, Fang knew she'd beat the shit out of her. She'd kill her.

Fang blinked.

And recoiled. That wasn't her. That violent woman wasn't Fang.

She put the car in reverse and began to drive. She needed to cool off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little short on account of me getting really sick immediately after finals week.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: NON CONSENSUAL SEXUALLY EXPLICIT SCENE

_The room was familiar to her, but she couldn't place it. Lightning laid in the bed, writing in her journal. She couldn't read the words she wrote, they blurred after they left her pen._

_Lightning looked out the window, staring into the night. The streets of Eden looked busy, but Lightning couldn't hear a thing. The apartment room was very noise-reductive. Lightning knew that, but she couldn't remember why._

_There was a knock at the door. Lightning closed her journal. "Come in," she said._

_The door creaked open and Lightning's hands clenched around her journal. She remembered where she was._

_Jihl Nabaat stood in the door frame, wearing a set of red lingerie that would have made any man's jaw drop. Lightning remembered it, the bra not even covering Jihl's nipples. A possessive smirk crawled its way across Jihl's face, her eyes saying: 'Mine.'_

_Lightning pushed herself against the bedframe, feeling her skin against its cool metal. She looked down at herself, now topless except for a lacy bra that didn't match her mood._

_Jihl began to saunter towards her, sashaying her hips seductively. Lightning tried to get up, but rope tied her arms back to the bedframe. She was trapped._

" _What have we here?" Jihl purred as she picked up Lightning's journal. She flipped it open and her smirk grew. "Why, Claire, have you been writing about me?"_

_No, Claire wanted to shout. A gag was over her mouth, the type she'd seen in pornos. She tried to shout through it, but muffled words found no purchase on clarity._

"' _I think I'm in love with Jihl,'" she read. "'There's something about her that I can't put my finger on. Did I really find the one for me on the first try?'" Jihl cocked her smirk a notch higher. "Aw, Claire, you really think we're meant to be? I'm glad, because I think so too." She reached her hand out and rested it on the closer of Lightning's breasts, squeezing it._

_Lightning thrashed against the rope, tears streaming down her cheeks. She tried to shout something, anything, but the gag held firm._

_Jihl tossed the journal aside and climbed onto the bed and on top of Lightning. Each kiss she placed on Lightning's body burned, each subsequent one feeling more wrong than the last._

" _Someone's eager," Jihl whispered, breathing hot on Lightning's body._

_I'm not, Lightning tried to scream._

_Jihl's hands grabbed at her pants, unbuttoning the jeans and pulling them down. Lightning tried to buck her off, but Jihl held her down._

_Lightning sobbed, helpless._

She woke up, face covered in tears. Her hands shook uncontrollably and her blood ran like ice through her veins. She shivered underneath her blankets, looking for warmth when there was none.

Lightning clenched her fists, stabbing her fingernails into her palms. It did nothing to distract her from her own mind.

"Mine," growled Jihl's voice in the back of Lightning's head.

She was out of her bed, running to the bathroom. The door closed with a  _bang_  and Lightning locked it. She turned the faucet on over the sink to as hot as it would go.

Rasping breaths escaped from her lungs as Lightning dunked her wrist under the scalding water. Her other hand opened a drawer and fumbled for the razor she kept at the back of the drawer. It was cold, even against her shivering skin as she comfortably opened it with a flick of her wrist.

Her hand shook, the razor not even close to being held steady. Lightning looked down at her wet arm, staring at the two straight scars across the inside of her wrist.

"Hey, sunshine," Fang said in the back of her head, cocky smile and all.

Lightning flipped her arm instead, exposing the outside of her wrist. She lowered the razor against her now red skin, digging deep.

As she cut, Jihl's voice grew softer and softer, until it bubbled away.

Lightning's tears didn't stop.

* * *

" _You're nothing! Less than nothing!" his father screamed, red in the face. He waved an empty bottle and smashed it near Snow's head. "I ought to kill you, you worthless piece of human refuse! You and that bitch mother of yours ruined me!"_

Snow roused from the dream as he heard a bathroom door crash. He looked over to see Serah stir before falling back asleep. He heard the water begin to run in the bathroom.

The dream slipped from his mind as he sat up and sluggishly got out of bed. A yawn racked his body as Snow tiptoed out of the room, trying to make as little noise as possible. He closed their bedroom door softly as he walked to the bathroom.

The light was on, he could see it from the bottom of the door. Snow could still hear the water. Unease prickled his neck as the uncomfortable familiarity set in. All remnants of sleep vanished as he tried the door. Locked.

Snow backed up to break down the door when it slowly opened.

A haggard Lightning stood in front of him with her hand on the door. In her other hand, a bloody towel.

"It's fine," she croaked. "Not suicide." She spoke through tears, her cheeks a wet mess. Those were the only words she seemed capable of saying as she pressed the towel to her arm again, soaking up the blood.

Snow moved forward to hug her, but she pushed him back. Lightning vigorously shook her head, wild fear in her eyes.

"Let's go downstairs and get bandages," he said, taking a step away from her. For a few moments, his sister didn't move. The fear lessened in her eyes and Snow felt like she was seeing him again, not whatever spurred this.

She nodded and they walked downstairs.

* * *

_Serah was in the kitchen._

_She hummed the song her mother had used to sing when she thought she was alone. Serah could remember sneaking down from her room before she was supposed to be up and hearing her sing. She'd sit on the stairs as her mother went about relaxing before her children were supposed to be up._

_Claire had never believed her when Serah had claimed that. Claire also never was an early riser. She'd lay about in bed all day if she could. She never heard their mother sing._

_Serah didn't remember what she was cooking, but she sprinkled a little salt in the pot. Whatever it was smelled delicious._

_The bathtub turned on upstairs. Serah could hear the water running._

" _What are you making, darling?" a soft voice asked._

_Serah turned to see her mother standing at her shoulder. She looked like she'd just woken up and barely tamed her bedhead._

_Her mouth opened to tell her mother what she was making, but no words came out. She tried again, but she couldn't speak._

" _Serah?" asked her mother. "Serah, are you okay?"_

_The water shut off upstairs. Serah reached out to touch her mother and her hand went right through the woman, as if she only lingered as a ghost._

" _Serah?" her mother asked again. Except it wasn't her mother's voice, it was Claire's. Serah blinked and no one was in front of her. She tried to speak again and failed._

_Water splashed somewhere upstairs. Serah began to run to the stairs. "Claire?" she shouted, her voice finally coming to her._

_Water leaked from beneath the bathroom door. Serah pounded on it, shouting again and again. "Claire! Claire! Claire!"_

_There was no response. She tried the door handle. Locked. She pounded harder. No response. Breath ragged, Serah drew herself back and began to slam her shoulder against the door, trying to break it down._

_The door cracked open, breaking the wood that the lock had been secured in. She stepped in a pool of water that far exceeded the confines of the bathtub._

_Her sister floated in the water, naked. All around her, a red cloud spread. It grew faint and diluted as it drew away from Claire. Serah thrashed her way through the water, to her sister._

_Vicious slashes at her wrists gushed blood. The same exact slashes she'd seen before. The left wrist, two straight slashes across the skin beneath where her hand started and the right, three furious, sloppy, jagged gashes that exposed raw cartilage._

_Serah opened her mouth to shout her sister's name. She tried to call for help. Words failed her. They abandoned her. The bathroom melted away and the water began to rise until it submerged them both. They sank as Serah held her sister's lifeless body to her chest, crying and shouting into the water her sister's name._

"Claire!" screamed Serah as she sat bolt upright in bed. Her hands flailed for something to grab on to, one finding her bedframe and the other wrapping around her stomach. Snow's side was vacant.

The next second, she jumped from her bed, running to the bathroom. It was unlocked. She opened the door.

Empty. She reached a hand out to steady herself as a spell of dizziness came over her. There was no blood this time, no crying, no dying sister, just the uncaring whiteness of their bathroom.

Serah nearly fell to the toilet as she dry heaved. Tears violently fell from her eyes until she couldn't see, leaving her to clutch the toilet like a lifeline.

Breath returned to her and she stopped heaving. Serah's mind was still filled with one thing: her sister. Her hand grabbed the wet bathroom counter and tried to pull herself up. She made it halfway before her arm gave out and she fell to the ground, smashing her head against the floor.

The dizziness overtook her again. She persisted, pushing herself off the cool bathroom tile. Stumbling to her feet, she wandered the dark hallway to Claire's room. With disregard for noise, she pushed herself into the room.

Her sister's bed was empty, the sheets nearly all on the ground.

Numbly, Serah turned around and found herself running downstairs.

* * *

Lightning still shivered, even with the two blankets around her. Snow had bandaged her wrist up, though he'd made a bit of a fuss about whether it needed a medical professional's attention. Lightning knew it was fine, she knew how hard to cut to put herself in a hospital.

Snow set down a mug of hot chocolate by her. He had his own that he took a sip from.

They sat on the porch that connected to the back of their house. Nighttime still reigned and the only light poured through the glass door behind them as they leaned against it.

"I'm sorry," Snow said.

Lightning turned her head to him. She tried to ask for what, but the words didn't form.

Snow seemed to understand. "For how I told you that she called. I should have broken it more slowly or something. Or maybe I should have asked Rygdea for advice or something, I don't know."

"Snow, it's not your fault," Lightning said, finding words again.

"Isn't it, though?" Snow looked weak, weaker than she'd ever seen him. For as big as he was, a gust of wind could have knocked him over.

"It's hers," Lightning said. Or mine, she left unsaid. Instead, she said, "I don't blame you. I blame her."

Some color seemed to return to Snow's face, though he still looked unsteady. He began to say something as the door opened behind them.

"Can I join you?" Serah asked, voice low and raw.

Both of them nodded. She slumped down between them after closing the door. As she leaned against Lightning, the older sister stiffened.

Snow looked ready to say something, but stopped as he saw Lightning relax.

Serah grabbed Lightning's hand, careful not to touch the bandaged part. She held it, rubbing her fingers across her knuckles.

Lightning felt the shivers subside as her sister's warm hands helped her relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write for me, as that first dream sequence is really hard for me having had a similar one. I hope the detail wasn't too much.
> 
> I'm an insomniac, but not in the typical way of being unable to fall asleep. I wake up a lot during the night, usually from dreams. More often than not, it's something stressful like getting chased by a vampire. It wakes me up, but that's something that can be explained away. However, a few times I'll get a dream that really fucking scares me to the point of spurring a panicked breakdown or suicidal thoughts. I've had dreams like these and each has been one of the moments in life I can remember being most scared because the things in them are so damn real. I had one of these last week and that determined the nature of this chapter. I thought it was important to talk about.
> 
> I imagine I'm not the only one who deals with this, so just know that you're not alone. Try to remember that dreams can't hurt you, but if it's still too much, call someone you care about after. It's important to feel safe.
> 
> *For a note about clarity, each of these dreams are not memories for the characters. They are surreal and while based in memory, not altogether true to the actual events that happened. For me, dreams like these never are.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI IM STILL HERE

Lightning woke up feeling warm.

Cool morning air brushed lackadaisically over her, threatening to make her teeth chatter. She didn't open her eyes at first. The world wasn't something she was completely ready to deal with, not with the tight bandage on her arm serving as a reminder.

The questions would no doubt come. What happened? Why would you hurt yourself like that? Don't you see the kind of danger you're putting yourself in? Why didn't you just talk to someone?

That last thought burned in her mind. She should have gone to someone she cared about. Serah, Snow, Fang, anyone. In hindsight, she could see that.

But in that moment, she had deserved it. Those cuts would turn into scars and she deserved each and every one of them for being weak. She could see why resorting to cutting shouldn't have been her first response in hindsight. But even now, as those cuts stung against her arm with each heartbeat, Lightning  _wanted_ those scars. She deserved something so ugly.

Lightning bit her lip. Rygdea's advice filtered back into her mind. She began to breathe, each exhale taking near an eternity.

_She was on the plains. The light breeze bristled through the grass and past her legs. It bit like little pinpricks, each drawing goosebumps across her skin. Her toes scrunched, digging into dirt._

After some time, she found her breathing had lined up with another's. Someone was holding her underneath the blanket, keeping her warm.

Lightning opened her eyes to see the sun just beginning to peak over the horizon and spill dawn on her and Fang.

The tanned woman clung to Lightning tightly, fast asleep. She nuzzled into the crook between Lightning's shoulder and neck, mumbling something incoherent.

A faint smirk unfurled across Lightning's mouth. She wrapped her arm around Fang and pulled her closer. The sleeping woman complied, barely rousing from her light snoring.

Coming from Fang, it was kind of cute, she thought. Snoring was hardly something she considered attractive, but Lightning had a feeling that if Fang was covered in mud or grew a third arm she'd still be this close to her.

Lightning began to close her eyes, happy to know what actual love felt like and not the sham she and Jihl had.

* * *

Snow rubbed his knuckles lightly. They were cracked and just beginning to scab over. Each person that saw them at the Bodhum Guardian Corps building accepted his excuse of having a hard day of training recruits. His sheepish grin sold it, most people offering a good natured laugh in return.

He'd gotten to work early enough to use the punching bag before anyone else was in the training room. By the time he'd felt the blood on his hands, he'd stained the bag red.

Snow swore softly as he changed his bandages. Several scabs cracked and blood began to pulse anew, staining the bandages just as they met skin. With his work, they'd take weeks to heal.

He ought to tell someone. He ought to tell Serah.

His phone was in his hand, trembling minutely. His contacts were open, Serah at the top. A bandaged thumb hovered over her name, a hairsbreadth from contact.

Snow breathed.

He set the phone down and shut it off, shaking the small tremors.

He'd be fine.

* * *

Fang watched as Lightning slept next to her, curled up in the crook of her shoulder. The pink haired woman's breath was soft against her skin, like her existence was barely being acknowledged.

Within Fang, a tempest brewed. Snow had told her what happened. He'd spared details, but she knew. Lightning was in pain and Fang hadn't been there. Fang hadn't helped.

What good was she if she couldn't do anything? Something ugly brewed in her heart, a disgust for herself. Lightning didn't deserve a failure like her in her life.

But Fang couldn't break away. Lightning was…Lightning. She was herself, her own enigma and vivacity wrapped up in one. When Fang looked at Lightning, she thought she saw someone that no one else saw.

That was love, right? Some facet of it, no doubt, but still love. Fang had no doubt about how she felt about Lightning.

But it didn't change the fact that Lightning was too good for her. The woman in her arms, who clung to her for warmth, was so incredibly strong that Fang felt weak against her. How could she be worth Lightning's affection?

She hadn't even been there. Lightning got hurt and Fang couldn't do anything. All she could do was hold her now.

Anyone could do that. That was all Fang was, just a passing insect by Lightning's brightness.

* * *

Serah sat in the car long after its engine ceased. The garage door was closed and all sound was cut off from the world.

She couldn't remember anything from that day. She couldn't remember the kids or any detail from her job. It was like she'd just driven off to work.

When she closed her eyes, all she saw was Claire in the bathtub. Not her dream, but when she'd…found her.

Serah had known something was up with her sister. They were family, things like that were a six sense. No one flipped moods on a dime like Claire did. One day, she was her regular self, the next, almost comatose.

" _Not Claire," she rasped. "Lightning. Claire is dead."_

She should have seen it. Something, some indication that things were wrong.

And she had seen it. She just dismissed it.

What kind of a sister was she? Claire had been in pain and she'd ignored it, brushed it away. Oh, Serah had known something was wrong, but she'd assumed it was a bad day. Maybe Lightning hadn't gotten that promotion or something.

Or something.

Then…that day. She'd gotten home from work and heard the bathtub running. Ignoring it as her sister having a bath, she didn't pay it any mind until several minutes passed.

Serah had never broken a door down before. She hoped she never had to again. The pain that jolted through her shoulder had faded to nothing when she looked at her sister. Everything had faded as she looked at Claire's wrists.

A door opened and Serah's head snapped to the side, staring at Snow in the garage doorway.

"Everything okay?" he asked. His voice was thick with worry.

"Yeah," she said, distracted.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I worried you at all by vanishing for a spell, just had some bad weeks. But feeling better and seeing a therapist for the summer now.
> 
> We've got a lot of characters realizing where they are in relation to their battles with mental health. Everyone deals with this stuff in their own time and at their own pace. I guess that's my message for this chapter. Ha, I think I try and impart some sort of meaning/lesson in each of these.


End file.
